My old wounds are my friends. They transform my ordinary days into extraordinary ones.

Let me explain.

This weekend my hard-working man had wounded hands. He has to wash them about 20 times per day, and the paper products plant that he works in is an extremely dry environment. I [...]]]>

My old wounds are my friends. They transform my ordinary days into extraordinary ones.

Let me explain.

This weekend my hard-working man had wounded hands. He has to wash them about 20 times per day, and the paper products plant that he works in is an extremely dry environment. I met him right after work on Friday, and stood beside him to chat as he washed up from the day’s work. He winced in pain as the hot water hit his hands.

After he was done I examined them. Both thumbs were cracked on the tips. His index fingers were as tough as leather along the outside, and criss-crossed with tiny abrasions. So I rubbed a layer of lotion into them lightly, then I applied a second layer and massaged and massaged the rough, cracked places until all the lotion had soaked in. His fingers were hot with inflammation, and he sighed with pleasure as the cool lotion and my light touch soothed the tenderness away.

It meant so much to both of us. That’s the thing about what we’ve been through. We both had long marriages that ended in divorce. We both carry the scars of the efforts we made to remain faithful and work things out even when it seemed hopeless. We’re both the kind of stubborn that borders on foolish – we take grim pride in having a backbone that doesn’t let us quit easily. And so we’re both deeply wounded.

But that’s also why our relationship is such a joy. We savor the ordinary moments, the little acts of great love, our deep and wordless connection, the gratitude and acceptance we show each other, the seamless way we work together doing simple chores; these are our treasures. But we’d never have the wisdom and perspective to appreciate them, without our old wounds.

One of the best ways to get feedback from your spouse about how the relationship is going is to ask him or her directly. That can feel scary though, especially if you imagine asking a global question like, “Do you have any issues you’d like to discuss?”

On the other hand, not knowing how [...]]]>

One of the best ways to get feedback from your spouse about how the relationship is going is to ask him or her directly. That can feel scary though, especially if you imagine asking a global question like, “Do you have any issues you’d like to discuss?”

On the other hand, not knowing how your partner feels can be dangerous. Habitual avoidance of conflict is the number one predictor of divorce.

Asking is a good idea, but it may be easier to do when you ask about something smaller and more manageable. If communication is relatively open, chances are, you already have a good guess what your mate might be unhappy about. And…maybe you want to avoid that topic? It’s natural to want to avoid the negative, but there is a way you can help open the door to clear the air without inviting civil war (men, you may want to pay attention.)

In our workshops we teach the importance and skill of making direct, positive requests. They are expressions of wants and needs that are easy to hear. In your marriage, perhaps neither spouse knows how to formulate one. So many people find it easier to say what they don’t want, rather than what they do.

The key to having an important conversation that will strengthen your bond is to frame a question to your love that allows honest expression, while steering clear of negativity.

Here are some examples of questions that open the door for you to receive these important requests:

“What would you like me to do more of?”

“Is there anything you’ve been wishing I would do lately?”

“What would make you happy if I would do it for you?”

These questions are most likely to lead to a direct, positive request. You may be surprised that behind the “I wish you wouldn’t” statements you’ve been receiving is a simple request that’s no so hard to grant after all.

As winter approaches in the northern hemisphere, the season of dry, itchy [...]]]> We humans are wired for touch. Loving touch helps us to heal, it eases stress, and it creates connection. Expressing your love through physical touch is an important part of staying connected as a couple, even if it’s not your primary love language.

As winter approaches in the northern hemisphere, the season of dry, itchy skin, one way to delight your mate is to give them a total body rubdown with a dry loofah. Have them lie face down on the bed. Massage their skin with the loofah using small circles and gentle pressure. Start with the soles of their feet, and pause when you get to the heels to kiss their arches. Work your way slowly up the legs, the buttocks, and the back to the heart. Then start at the hands and work your way in to the heart. Have them flip over and repeat on the front side. (Be sure to skip the sensitive areas.)

Encourage your love to soak in the tub with bath salts afterwards for a relaxing, cleansing and rejuvenating experience. If they’re sleepy when it’s all done, snuggle up close and hold them until they fall asleep.

Guaranteed to increase your sense of connection and affection!

First, understand that the main challenge [...]]]>

Physical Distance (Photo credit: nomsaleena)

Long distance relationships are prevalent today. Whether it’s military service, work requirements, or on-line relationships, many couples deal with the challenge of being separated. What do you do if you want to keep your love strong, but you’re not sure how to do it?

First, understand that the main challenge is staying connected. Being in the same space automatically gives you shared experience, and allows lots of affectionate touch and humor and other positives that build you up. But what to do when you face separation for months, or when you meet on-line and live far away from each other?

#1: Become a photographer – A picture is worth a thousand words. If you’re on a business trip or a semester abroad and you find a cool little cafe, snap some photos and send them to your partner. While it’s not the same as enjoying it together, it gives your love a sense of connection to see where you are physically. Are the kids doing something cute? Snap a photo and send it along with their hilarious comments. Send two or three photos a day. It helps to maintain that sense of togetherness.

#2: Skype daily. Or Oovoo. Or whatever video conferencing tool you choose. It’s free and it lets you see that the other person is indeed okay, and hasn’t gotten a purple mohawk in your absence. If different time zones are an issue, make formal appointments on each other’s calendars for the call. Try to hit seven days out of seven, if possible.

#3: Send short IM‘s, texts, or emails throughout the day as you think of your mate. “Just sitting at my desk wondering what you’re doing. My lower back is killing me as usual. Oh how I miss your massages…and the ones I give you, too. Heh, heh.”  Use this method to share those little moments: something cool just happened, something worries you, something is funny, etc.

#4: Make a schedule of times you can physically visit each other. Sometimes this is not possible, but make every effort to do so. Make plans and schedule the dates before the separation, so you’ll have a reconnecting point to look forward to. Do it as often as practical, and, leave kids out, if possible. The adults need some bonding time, and #1-#3 can provide contact with the other parent for the kids.

#5: Get plenty of exercise. This helps work off any stress when your love is not near for support. It also helps ensure a good night’s sleep.

Long-distance relationships are not easy. But using the tips above, it’s possible to keep that feeling of being connected. And that’s what it’s all about.

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“As a facilitator, I always find pleasure in [...]]]> Below is a personal testimonial from Lilian Cabrera, one of our certified Relationship Educators. She shares her experience after a recent three-day intensive evening course, in Milwaukee, WI.  Lilian is a core part of our Smart Relationships Youth and Young Adult team; and our Hispanic team.

“As a facilitator, I always find pleasure in changing the views of my participants towards better, healthier, smarter relationships.  After a 3 day, intensive evening class last week, I solidified my stand on the importance of teaching teens and young adults about both good and bad relationships.

I strive to connect with each participant and let them know that they are not the first to embark on the difficult journey of selecting a partner and establishing healthy relationships.  From the get-go, I announced that this class wouldn’t be an ordinary class.  As a facilitator for Smart Relationships, I promote discussions, group activities, and positive interactions with foundational leaders in their lives such as parents, an older sibling, a church member, a teacher, or someone they can confide in.

The first couple lessons are of tremendous impact on the way they handle situations because they learn about themselves and how everyone’s personality is different.  Quickly they come to realize that their relationships are affected by who they ARE: their baggage, their attitude, their family, their goals, their past, etc.  Before long, they start connecting on an individual, personal, level to the material.  In just last week’s class alone, there was a wide range in cultures, races, and genders.  There were differences in marital, parental, economic, and educational statuses.  Yet, the outcome is always the same: they connected with the material in such a way that it became relevant to their lives the moment they tuned in.  This is what Smart Relationships prides itself in – the positive impact on teenagers and community as a whole.

How thrilling it would be if more people captured the Smart Relationships vision and partnered with our mission.  Not only will healthy relationships flourish, but a legacy of positive interactions will be established.”

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Stage 1: Know

Getting to know someone is a process of bonding. It starts at the first meeting, and sometimes we feel open and connected right away. When this happens we use phrases [...]]]> The relationship attachment model by Dr. John Van Epp show you how you can follow your heart without losing your head.

Stage 1: Know

Getting to know someone is a process of bonding. It starts at the first meeting, and sometimes we feel open and connected right away. When this happens we use phrases like, “We just clicked.” Or, “It was love at first sight.” Other times, this connection takes time to develop.

Some people are able to connect quickly. Others are more cautious, needing time to feel safe enough to be open.

Knowing someone is not a one-way process that gradually builds up. You may feel you know someone very well, and then he or she does something that catches you off guard. Statements like “I thought I knew who you were, but now I’m not sure” reflect the straining of that bond.

Knowing is a dynamic and changing process where you sometimes feel very close and at other times, perhaps very far apart. In the beginning of a relationship, it takes time to get to know someone. Even if you feel very connected and close quickly, your real data about the other person is very limited. The first principle of RAM is that no category on the chart should develop faster than the category before it. So trusting someone a lot when you don’t really know who they are is not a good idea.

Stage 2: Trust

As you get to know someone, you begin to form a mental picture of who they are. As you see them in different roles and situations, you put the pieces together into a dynamically changing trust picture. The more you know about a person, the more accurate your trust picture will be.

Trust is influenced by infatuation. It takes about nine months for excitement to die down enough that the picture begins to be clear.

Of course it’s possible for Trust to stay low when Know is high, because a person is not trustworthy. It’s also possible for someone to have emotional baggage that prevents Trust from developing even when the other person is trustworthy.

Stage 3: Rely

As your trust picture grows, you begin to know what things you can count on, and what things you can not count on from each other.

We all have needs that we look to fulfilll through relationships. Things like companionship, emotional support, and fun. Over time you learn what needs the other person will and will not meet.

For example, maybe the other person can’t be counted on to call you back even when they say they will. Or perhaps you might learn that you can count on the other person being on time, every time.

Reliance is taking that trust picture and putting it into action.  But it’s different from being needy. When you’re needy, you ask the other person to take care of things that you should take care of yourself. On the other end of the spectrum is an independent person who likes to pretend they have no needs at all. A healthy reliance is characterized by give and take from both people.

Stage 4: Commit

It seems like this one trips a lot of people up these days. The generations following the baby boomers are scared to death of marriage and although they love relationships, they are often reluctant to define them.

Commitment is all about the sense of belonging in a relationship. “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine” is a statement of ultimate commitment, and reflects a sense of ownership. Unhealthy commitment is when one partner dominates the other. In this case, ownership is one way. In healthy commitment, both partners have a sense of security and mutual respect.

Loyalty to your partner flows from a sense of commitment. Of course, the ultimate commitment is marriage. But there are stages of lower commitment that build naturally. The first stage might be to agree that you won’t see other people while you’re exploring the potential of this relationship.

Stage 5: Touch

Many relationships today seem to start here. What happens then is that people move backward through the model.

1. We’re attracted to each other. Let’s have sex.

2. We’re sleeping together so we must be committed.

3. I’m going to rely on you, because, hey, we’re committed.

4. I’m going to trust you, because I’m relying on you.

5. I just got to know you, and found out that you’re bad news. Now what?

This is a recipe for a string of relationships that end badly and leave you with a broken heart. Touch should proceed in stages too, and not leap ahead of any of the categories to the left. Save the most intimate touch for a time when you’re sure of your mutual love, respect, and commitment.

Then you won’t find yourself bonded deeply in love with a jerk(ette)!

Guest Post by Bill Sergott

I was freaking out.  There would be no dating until she was at least 18 years old!  Was there any ambiguity that led to Grace [...]]]> A father struggles to come to grips with his 13 yr old daughter’s first movie outing with boys…

Guest Post by Bill Sergott

I was freaking out.  There would be no dating until she was at least 18 years old!  Was there any ambiguity that led to Grace assuming I really meant “13”?  I learned about the boy waiting at the theater for her, while walking out to drive her there.  I also found out that my wife had this information for possibly hours, while I remained in my blissful naiveté!  I am willing to admit my overreaction on Sunday afternoon, but this is my little girl!

Anyway, they were meeting up as a whole group of friends.  It was fairly innocent.  After calming down and gaining some perspective, I was able to have a talk with my daughter about relationships at her age.  As a former youth worker, I have had a great deal of practice with other people’s hormonal teenagers.  I could handle this.  First, what never worked?

1) “NO!!” – Strong reactions to teenagers simply makes the adult an “unsafe” person.  Communication is avoided in order to avoid conflict.

2) “No problem!  When can I expect grandkids?” – She is 13.  She is exploring what it means to be an adult while battling lots of awkward and intense, hormone-infused feelings.  We still need to be parents.  Besides, I’m only 41, and that’s way too young for grandchildren.

3) “Sure, but we need to prequalify the two of you with my 3-hour training program.” – She has a rep to protect, and middle school can be painful enough without my help.

So, what did seem to work?  What did I say to my daughter?

1) “I Trust You.” – Even if, internally, I am freaking out, I know she is a good kid.  Grace makes good decisions.  I want to affirm that.  I need to give her room to breathe.

2) “You are a Treasure.” – This one is easy, because Grace is a treasure!  By affirming the preciousness of my daughter, I help her to see herself as being worth a fortune.  Then, she is far less likely to let herself be used and mistreated by those who would see her as something other than Fabulous, Brilliant, and Powerful.

3) “I Love You.” – She got this right away.  TALK to me.  I worry.  I’m not ready to let you go completely yet.  Let me do my job as dad and help you navigate all of this.  Also, be patient with me.  Take this whole “boyfriend” thing very slowly.  I’ve got your back.  Let’s keep talking about every little bit of this, okay?

My advice to adults: Give your teenager some room, but keep the lines of communication open in order to still be able to speak guidance and love into their lives.

Dear teenagers: Please give us a break!  Surprises in this area are not “fun” for us.  Reassure us of your readiness by being just as ready to talk with us about it.

Above all, be patient with us, please. It’s not easy raising parents!

About Bill Sergott:

Bill is a syndicated writer, speaker, and coach with the organization he founded: Heresy of the Month, LLC.  Bill is married to Teresa, one of the seminar and e-course instructors with SmartRelationships.org, and they have three children.  Bill has worked as a nonprofit and corporate consultant and leader for more than 20 years in community development, social justice issues, equality, racial reconciliation, team building, and many other areas of human concern.  You can contact him to have him speak at your organization or event and read more of his writing in his blog at www.heresyofthemonth.typepad.com.

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 ”We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

These lines are from The Declaration of Independence, the signing of which we celebrate this week in the [...]]]>

 ”We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

These lines are from The Declaration of Independence, the signing of which we celebrate this week in the United States.  The Declaration is a brilliant piece of writing that not only galvanized the Revolution and spirited birth of a new nation, but has also stood as a symbol of freedom and hope for people all over the world.  Because a small group of colonists stood up to the most powerful empire on earth, America has become a symbol for those who stand against oppression and despotism.

However, rather than focusing on history or nationalism, pause this year to consider the question of how we live out the values of Freedom and Independence in our relationships.  Are we making the intentional choice to embrace Freedom and Independence in all of our relationships?

Admittedly, Freedom and Independence have been equated with Rugged Individualism in the United States.  Many experts say that we are more polarized and divided than ever before.  Does this mean the authors of the Declaration were wrong?

I don’t think so.  I think it means we have misunderstood the meaning of Freedom and Independence.  Above, I quoted the most famous lines from the Declaration, but let’s look at the final, less well-known passage from the same document:

“And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.”

A mutual surrendering of lives, fortune, and honor?  How is that Freedom or Independence?  It sounds like they belong to one another.  If one fails, they all fail!

The paradox of true Freedom and Independence is that they come from interdependence.  Freedom exists for me only in the free surrender of my rights and desires for the sake of the other.  I take less for me, so that the other may have enough.  Marriage is all about allowing my spouse to daily inconvenience me and impede my own pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness.  My children, friends, colleagues, bosses, teachers, my own parents, and all other personal connections, long or brief, require the same.  Every single intersection of my life with another, presents me with the opportunity to exercise my freedom by making room to make their lives better.  This is not codependency, or getting lost in the needs of others.  Rather, it is a unified effort of a community of strong, healthy individuals freely choosing to seek the well-being of others.  When all people make such a choice, then all find the goals of their own pursuit in the process.

This Independence Day, pause to consider Freedom and Independence from a different perspective.  The Declaration was not written to allow us do whatever we want, like rebellious children, free from ties or responsibilities to other people. It is about the Freedom to make the choice, as an Independent person, to tie your life in committed, bonded relationship to others.  Make the choice to grow in a healthy understanding of these values, and you will be able to truly celebrate Independence Day!

Today’s article was written by Bill Sergott, a syndicated writer, speaker, and coach with the organization he founded: Heresy of the Month, LLC.  Bill is married to Teresa, one of the seminar and e-course instructors with SmartRelationships.org, and they have three children.  Bill has worked as a nonprofit and corporate consultant and leader for more than 20 years in community development, social justice issues, equality, racial reconciliation, team building, and many other areas of human concern.  You can contact him to have him speak at your organization or event and read more of his writing in his blog at www.heresyofthemonth.typepad.com.